Am I enough?

I realized my blog was down when I went to write this.  So I’m finally posting it here, written January 5th.

The twins are 13 months today.

It’s currently 3:09a.m and I have been up for a while, I can’t sleep. I don’t know why.  But tonight my heart feels heavy.  This happens to me from time to time. A sense that I didn’t do enough, hold them enough, love them enough, do things the right way, do enough, have enough independence, ask for enough help, enjoy the little moments enough.  I do know I worry enough.  That needs to stop.  Well maybe it needs to change. I worry too much about what cannot change, I worry about when they were 3 weeks old did I hold them enough (Phil assures me I did), but why waste worry there?  Maybe I should try and put that energy into making sure that tomorrow I sit with them, play with them, and ignore all the other “things” that need to get done, then it will be one day I won’t have to wonder if I did enough, but, I probably still will wonder.

The last 13 months have been the most amazing and most challenging days of my life.  I have sat in awe of these 2 beautiful little people, but also sat in tears wondering how the heck do I do this.  I have sat holding sweet babies never wanting them to grow up or get bigger, but held onto sweet babies, yearning for when they had better head control or would interact just a little bit more.  In the same moments I would love the tender moments of me and them whilst nursing, yet long for when they could use bottles and I could get something done or have more help.  Parenthood, I’m learning, is not easy, nor does it make sense, or always feel right, and I’m not sure you’ll ever feel you did enough, well, maybe you will, but probably not me.

I recently saw my doctor about this, as sometimes I get more anxious about the “what if’s” then I should and she encouraged me to see things from an outside view.  She continued on and shared her perspective.  To her, I gave birth to twins vaginally and that’s amazing! To her, I nursed exclusively for 6 months, and then continued for a year, supplementing with formula as needed (and to her that is amazing).  To her, after dealing with 5 years of infertility, getting pregnant with twins, carrying to 36week + 4, and having a crazy birth, I kept my head in the game and nourished, loved and cared for two beautiful babies.  To her, at every appointment they were thriving and I was doing well (even though we were watching for PPD).  To her, I have excelled in the 1st year with twins – she told me she was in awe of me, and so proud of me.

But to me, I see that I didn’t do those things enough.

I’m working on changing that.  I’m trying to look at the photo of me holding two beautiful wee babies and to see the beauty of that moment and be thankful for photos, rather than being consumed with fears and worries of what I didn’t do.  I’m trying to be ok that I don’t get everything done and just enjoy them.  But also that it’s ok, if I want them to play, or sleep, so I can get things done.  To be okay with wanting to do nothing else but hang out with them.  But also to be okay with wanting to get out alone and have me time.   Trying to find the balance in that.

Tonight one of my dear twin mama friends is up feeding her little ones, and we texted.  I told her my heart is heavy with worry.  She texted just now saying this: “I’m sure you did (do enough)and look at it this way… Are your babies happy? Do they play? Laugh? I’m sure they do! And that means you did it right. You’re an amazing Momma and I look up to you and respect you and what you have done for your kiddos. I have no doubt in my mind that you did enough… I’m certain actually that you went above and beyond for your kids and that you still do and that’s why you continue to wonder if you do enough… Because you care SOoo much and that’s what drives you to always want to do more… But you need to give yourself permission to realize that and just breathe knowing that your babies are happy and they know they are incredibly loved”

So, I need to remember that. And to celebrate the moments we have.

Today, our twinsies are 13 months.  Today I will try and celebrate that.

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