Today was hard.
It stretched me.
Today was full of tears.
Mostly theirs, a few of mine.
Today I feel like a bad mom.
Today, I didn’t love the blessing I have to be home with my babies. Today, I would have given anything to be out, to have time, space, a break. Today was hard. The fact that today was hard, the parts that I didn’t enjoy, the admittance that I didn’t have fun — those moments, they than play on my emotions and self doubt and make me feel like I’m a bad mama. Today, I don’t feel like I did great, today I struggled to get to bedtime. On the verge of tears, running on caffeine.
Most days, I count my every blessing that I have been gifted these two most beautiful little beings. These two who’ve been entrusted into my care, whom are my little besties, who I get to spend my days with. Most days, I put them to bed, and would have loved time for more stories and cuddles.
Today wasn’t that day.
Today was the day where they pushed me to my limits, with tears and tantrums. Where I knew I wasn’t patient, which left me feeling weak and helpless. Today, I longed for 5pm when Phil would come home, only to long for bedtime when they would drift off to sleep and I would have a few minutes to think, reflect.
Except, I don’t like what I’m feeling. I don’t like that I sit here, broken, sad, feelings of failure, because today I didn’t feel lucky, blessed, happy. Today I just survived.
In the days of Instagram and Facebook, we all put our best selves forward – the moments that are Pinterest worthy, that might make others jealous, picture perfect moments, smiles and happiness. Today, didn’t feel that way. Today was hard.
However, right before we put the twins to bed, my mom showed up to help with the last 30 minutes, to love them (and to love me), she could tell by my earlier text that today was hard, so she came. While she was here, our daughter showed off how she’s just learning to walk, and was so proud – she was happy. And her little triumph today of steps, that was enough to make me want to try again tomorrow, hopefully tomorrow is better, and if not, the day after that.
Today, I am a worn-out mama. Not picture perfect. Just real. Just me.